Feelings · Life

30.

I’m turning 30 in two weeks. To me, that seems a powerful sentence.

I have been on this earth for 30 years, that’s 359 months, 1564 weeks or 10950 days. And one thing that has been at the forefront of my mind these days, perspective. Perspective seems to be the unshakeable truth constant and interconnected within the years I have been on this earth. A perspective of myself. A reflection of the years I have been in this world.

Today old memories have been on my mind. Memories of friends and places I have seen and loved. I think of choices and paths I have travelled. But also I self-reflect on the places I have chosen to spend my time. I think about those who no longer hold a place in my life who once did, and those who are now circling around my center, pulled by my own gravity, intertwined and present in my existence.

And I wonder on these decisions and I reminiscence.

I think about the choice of travelling away from my place of birth, of living a life abroad surrounded amongst strangers and languages unheard:

“A foreigner, a falang, a gaijin, a bule all different, but perhaps all very much the same.”

I wonder what home is? I wonder if I have lost my sense of self, having lived in a world that is connected through the courses I have taken, but also so disconnected by the space and culture afforded by their own histories. Places owned and run by their own identities. Separated uniqueness.

I reflect on the the happiness I have found in my transience. What I consider important, what I hold dear, what is permanent.

I also question the permanence of the past and what I have lost along the way.

That word transience. An apt description of my life. I think I have feared permanence in my life? I reflect on my fragility. Of understanding that having to care, foster and deal with solidity is scary. I have lived my life as a quote found on a cereal box, a sentiment of the romantic, ‘The future is undecided, live in the now, live day by day, moment by moment. Live.’

But I don’t regret.
I have seen things that most will never experience.

But I have also taught myself to fear the future.

Do not misunderstand me. The future is not scary because it is unknown. We cannot fear what has not come to pass, because it does not exist.

Even still, I fear it.

I fear plans. I fear permanence. I fear a life not lived day-to-day.

But,

I am turning 30 in two weeks.
I am learning to undo my fear of the future.

I am turning 30 in two weeks.
I am learning to accept that it is okay to lay foundations for my future.

I am turning 30 in two weeks.
I have learned to love myself.

“To see a world in a grain of sand, and a heaven in a wild flower, hold infinity in the palm of your hand and eternity in an hour.” ― Renée Ahdieh, The Beautiful.

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