Life

Life is Messy

Finding a pattern in the wind seems to be my life right now.

“You probably shouldn’t have made me atheist
But, oh, I’m a lesbian kiss
I’m an evangelist”
(The 1975 If I Believe)

Looking for motion, side-eye, misdirected and unhelpful.

Morpheus:
I imagine that right now, you’re feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?

Neo:
You could say that.

Morpheus:
I see it in your eyes. You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up. Ironically, that’s not far from the truth. Do you believe in fate, Neo?
(The Matrix 1999)

I wonder if Lewis Carol ever thought about the wind when he was writing about Alice? Just constant spirals circulating in patterns I want to figure out, to see. But there are too many, and they blow infrequently or perhaps too frequently to process.

Where are you?
And I’m so sorry
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick, strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
(Blink 182 I Miss You)

And that’s how I feel right now,

a mess within the wind,
fluttering,
finding patterns upon the brink of a precipice undiscovered,
waiting to be thrown like flotsam to the ocean deep.

Unencumbered.

Heavy like the waves,
drowning down,
towards the bottom
cold and dark.

I don’t think that I’ll close my eyes
Cause lately I’m not dreaming
So what’s the point in sleeping?
It’s just that at night,
I’ve got nowhere to hide
So I write you a lullaby
A lullaby
(Jack’s Mannequin Hammers and Strings)

So I’ll confine the chaos, bit by bit, chunk by chunk, piece by piece and I’ll eat it slowly. Stubbornness bred and set in my veins. May I never rest, dripping blackness from mouth, consumed red vines. May I speak in gibberish and feel in red band.

Because life is messy, but I’ll be damned if I don’t continue to keep livin.
(Life is Messy 2020)

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