I write this to myself. A reminder of where I am knowing that it won’t matter when I find where I need to be.
Dear Stranger, I am ashamed to admit that I am not worthy of you yet. Not because of who you are. One can never be less or more in an honest relationship, but because I am not ready for you. I am still learning about myself, and even though you know enough of who I am to love me fully, I don’t, not yet.
I am still learning that what I do and what is done to me, come in equal parts and that each affects the other, regardless of the space of time between. I am learning that pain is transferable and that what might be someone else’s pain one day, can become mine another. But be patient with me my dear, because we both have the knowledge and time to know that I will find my way. And you will know, as will I, that the time and place, is not yet ready to reveal itself.
It sounds like destiny, but I feel like we both know that that couldn’t be further from it. It is an inevitability, not because fate deems it to be so, but because it is the eventual outcome of two people actively searching for their person -the one they know to be right for them.
Dearest Friend, I have learned that timing dictates growth, that things come and go in this life that we may never truly understand why, until later. When what is done to us in the past, is a reminder for us in the future. I hope you don’t have to go through the lessons I have gone through and will still have to. And that when we meet it won’t be a reminder of the pain of what we have each been through, but rather an acceptance of knowing that we know who we are and how we have come to be here.
Dearest Best Friend, do you know what it means to be alone? I wonder sometimes to myself, how I can learn to be alone? How I look for every distraction I can find in the wrong people, at the worst time. I hope you learn as I am learning, slowly, that putting time into things should be an active effort, a direction of thought that is precious and worth your time. I know that when our paths meet, at the right time and the right place, that it will become a balance of time, a mutual coinciding of being with one another. I hope that I will have learned to not coast on time, to actively realize that the time I spend with you is precious and worth every moment. And yet I want it to be that effortless distraction, because you are the right person, and spending time with you won’t feel like a distraction, it will be real, it will matter… to me, and to you.
Dearest Lover, I’m at a loss for words when it comes to wondering about what the physical plane of our relationship will be like. I find putting so much emphasis on the idea of what it is, ruins the idea itself. All that I can hope for, is that we have that tension between us. That constant friction of being comfortable with one another, while at the same time can’t help but feel constantly on edge when we are in the same room. All I know is that I want us to grow together in this, talking constantly, a communicative relationship of tension and charm, a laughing exchange of inappropriate chuckles and an electricity that sits just below the surface.
Dearest Future, you’re out there… aren’t you? Waiting patiently for me, as I am for you. Perhaps we’ve met before perhaps we haven’t. But I know you and you know me, and all that matters is one day we will be. How do I know this? Because ‘ti amo’ my love, ‘ti amo’.